I stayed up late last night talking to someone special. Then I was tired for church this morning, but I went, and enjoyed it, even though I had to fight off a few sleepy urges. I'm glad I went, I heard some things I feel that I needed to hear.
We are little, God is big. That's what was said, and that it's funny that we accept Him into our lives, when it almost oughta be the other way around. And I think how I get so caught up in other people accepting me, I am almost scared to accept God, to accept Jesus. Isn't that absolutely ridiculous? They were trying to encourage people to be baptized today, and a couple people were going to be. I thought about it, but...I'm scared, I feel not ready, and I feel silly that I feel that way. But I still have so many doubts, so many questions. And I'm scared of getting water in my ears, I know that's stupid as anything but I have had tubes in and out of my ears all my life, I have one in one ear now, and water in my ears...not cool.
I miss my ex. I hope he's doing well. I thought about him a lot this morning. And my friends weren't at church this morning, I still enjoyed the service but felt a little lonely. Then I had a stupid little pity party in my car driving away from church, listening to Rascall Flats "What hurts the most," and Evanescence "Lithium" and crying in my car like a dummy.
I feel confused because it just seems like things tend to go wrong for me. And I'm so tired of that. I know in the big picture my problems are so little compared to some people who's problems are so big. And I'm thankful for that, but it doesn't make them hurt any less.
And I don't deal well with being alone, I'm sure there's a reason that that is where I'm at right now....but it's awful....well...lonely. And then it always happens that those you wish to be in the company of sometimes won't have your company, or they are too far away, or whatever reason it's not working out that way, and those that want your company, maybe don't feel like the right ones. fuck. it's just one silly thing after another.
And I was listening to the sermon this morning and it's like....talking about those who are aware of God's word and his wishes and yet they disobey anyway. Because of peers, society, etc, and I think...That's me, I must admit it. I try and avoid being what some call a "nazi christian" because I don't want to turn others away from me. But then there are certian choices I make that I may feel are wrong in Gods eyes and yet I go on ahead and make them anyway hoping for forgiveness. Am I just taking advantage of God??
They talked about how when you first start to accept Jesus into your life how God breaks you down and then you rebuild from the ground up and what a hard process that is. And man are they right. It's such a struggle. I don't want to build my house on the ground with no foundation so that it washes away in the storm. I want to build my house upon a strong foundation that can withstand any weather. But rebuilding is hard. And I don't always know where to start, or what to do. I try to make small changes a little at a time, and just hope and pray that it is enough to start making a difference.
This change for me is like from night to day. Like switching shifts and not getting enough sleep, being cranky and beligerent. Rebellion. Something else that was talked about today. How people can rebel and not even know they are doing so because the things they are doing are accepted by society, accepted by their friends, accepted by their family. That everyone is doing it so that somehow makes it okay. And I can't help but be reminded of that old saying about if everyone jumped off a bridge would you do it too? Well....that's a hard question to answer. The logical answer dictates that no of course one wouldn't that would just be absolutely stupid. But people have done stupider things. People can come up with reasons for someone to do anything. But what am I doing? I wish I had the answer to that....but I don't.
And I just want someone I can love, that can love me back. Maybe I need to focus more on how much God loves me, to give up his only son so that I might one day be saved from all my foolish decisions and my sins and worry less about love that may only be fleeting and temporary and seek instead after a love that is everlasting and build on a personal relationship with God, with Jesus. But it's hard.
I get so wrapped up in does this guy like me, does that guy like me, did this guy stop liking me? why? What did I do wrong? What do I do now? How do I make him like me? Is the possibility of something real there? Will I ever be good enough?
And now I've run out of things to say without repeating myself or making a fool of myself so I'll quit while I'm ahead. I think it's time for some more facebook, some food, and a nap, not necissarily in that order ;)
More thoughts at a later time.
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